Sunday Reflections

Happy Sunday, my friends! 

I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me…but I’m feeling quite reflective today so I thought I would put a pen to paper (or in this case, my fingers to the keyboard), and give you some insight on what’s been going on in my life.

Things sure have taken lots of different turns since I’ve posted last. The 90-day challenge has come and gone…and almost another 90 days has passed. I started a new job.  There have been more relationship woes, and some significant learning opportunities. I’ll try and get through all of what’s been happening and not bore anyone.

So—yes.  I started a new job in June. I was let go from Pilot for reasons that I am still unsure of, but that’s a much longer story than anyone has time for.  I was panicked and worried.  I’m a terrible saver, so I really only had enough money to make it to the end of the month. I needed to find a job fast! Luckily, a friend of a friend (who is now my friend) works for Fox 43 and got me in contact with the GM there.  I went in, not really knowing it was a job interview (thank God I brought my resume), and had an amazing conversation with him.  Three days later, I had a job offer in my hands and some confidence blowing wind in my sails. 

It was the first time that I’ve been recognized for the work I’ve done, and not just the potential for what my last name means in this town.  I am a few months in, and it’s been a bit of a challenge for me.  The sales process is different and it’s a TON of new information.  But I’m enjoying the process and feel very confident that with some time, new relationships, and a lot of hard work, I’ll be where I want to be. So...if you're looking to do some advertising....holler!

So not to beat a dead horse again, but let’s move on and talk about the 90-day challenge and my everlasting struggle with my body. 

One word comes to mind when I think of this whole process: backsliding. When you Google backslide, here’s what pops up:

back·slide

ˈbakslīd/

verb

1.    relapse into bad ways or error.

synonyms:

relapse, lapse, regress, weaken, lose one's resolve, give in to temptation, go astray, leave the straight and narrow, fall off the wagon "many things can cause dieters to backslide"

It’s so interesting to me that they use dieting as an example here, because that’s exactly what happened.  Those 90 days were the hardest of my life.  I grinded and dug in, and worked harder that that than I have worked at anything in my life.  I was obsessed.  I worked out at least 6 days a week…sometimes doing 2 a days. I was meal prepping within an inch of my life.  I was on a streak that no one could deter me from.  I was good when I traveled...found minutes to get my heart rate up.  It was the best shape I had ever been in.  Here’s what the before and after looked like.

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER:

Please continue to keep your negative ass comments to yourselves. A ton of blood, sweat, and tears went into changing my body and don’t nobody got time for hate. So bye!

Even looking at these now, I'm not satisfied.  But I can definitely recognize how far I had come.  I finished the challenge in second place.  I was on top of the world. I lost a ton of body fat, while building lean muscle mass (which apparently is hard to do?). But then the challenge ended, and I started my new job.  My schedule was thrown off.  My eating time and prep time was cut off, and I was sent into a complete tailspin. 

See…the thing is…I loved working out at 8 am with the group that I had.  We had each other’s backs and encouraged each other. It was a safe place for me to go in, put in work, and leave feeling amazing. When I started my new job, I could only go workout at 530 am.  And anyone who knows me knows I’m a raging insomniac and mornings are not exactly my thing.  It was really hard for me to adjust my mindset. And because I was so in my head about the change, I just stopped going.  At first I told myself it was because I needed to adjust to going to work in an office again.  But then it became something else.

So here I sit…almost 90 days after the 90-day Challenge, and I haven’t been to the gym since the middle of June. Not only have I not worked out, but also I haven’t put the work in the kitchen either. I am ordering crap, eating crap, and destroying all the hard work I put in.  I tell myself every day that I will get it back in gear...and each day goes by and I don’t. 

Something funny happens to me when I go through lulls in the gym.  Not only do I feel badly about myself, but also there is a sense of embarrassment.  I am ashamed that I haven’t been there…that I’ve let people down…that I’ve let myself down. It is crippling.  It keeps me from going back.  It may sound stupid, but it’s very real for me.  All the encouragement in the world won’t help, because it’s like I don’t want any added attention.

Anyone got any advice on how to get over that hump? Cuz I need to get my ass back in gear.  Your girl hasn’t seen a squat rack in a minute and I’m dying.

So.  We’ve covered work and my body (again).  Now let’s talk about all the wonderful luck I’ve had with relationships lately.

I try my hardest to be an eternally optimistic person.  I try to not get discouraged and give up on the idea of love and happiness in a relationship.  But it feels like every time I turn around, another asshole rears his asshole face and I’m reminded how hard it is to find a good man.  (Complete side note…but thank God for the gay men in my life.  They show me every day that it’s true that all the good ones are gay.) Anyways. There are too many great women in my life that have gone through tough stuff lately because a man is selfish and childish and he unilaterally decides the outcome of their relationship. If you’re reading this, please know that I love you.  And if you’re the guy who screwed them over and you’re reading this (excuse my French), Fuck You!

But let me just share two stories with you about what’s been happening with me. And let me just say...I'm not telling these stories because I want people to feel bad for me or whatever.  But...my friends always tell me I should write a book about the crazy stuff that happens in my dating life.  So...here's a tiny excerpt of what that looks like.

First story goes like this: I met this super awesome guy online.  He is a college football coach and, for fairly obvious reasons, we hit it off immediately. I understood the demands of his career and he appreciated that I got it.  He was unbelievably sweet to me.  He told me on more than one occasion that he could envision a future with me.  I was excited about him…more excited than I have been with anyone in a long, long time.  I allowed myself to open up and tell him things that I normally would keep locked up.  I was really happy.  He lives about an hour or so away, so I made a plan to go visit him—he was just getting back in town from vacation so I agreed to go there.

Anyways…long story short…things were just different when I was there.  He wasn’t as lovey as I thought he would be….in fact it seemed like he barely wanted to be near me. I confronted him with this, and he tells me that everything he told me about how he felt was a lie.  He didn’t mean it.  He only said it because he thought it was what I wanted to hear and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

NEWS FLASH, GUYS: Do. Not. Do. This!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. And I’ll just leave it at that.

Well…I am one of the more forgiving people on the planet, so we still talk occasionally.  He got drunk about a week ago and told me he wanted to start over and try things again.  But I haven’t really heard from him since.  I guess old habits die hard.

And the second story starts like this: Pretty much the same as the last one.  Girl meets boy online.  Boy is really nice and they hit it off right away.  He immediately made plans to get together and had a really great time together.  The second time we hung out, it was even better. He talked about us being exclusive.  He was cuddly and incredibly sweet, and so wonderful to be around.  I thought that I might have finally met the guy who I could start something real with. 

Well…not so fast, kids. Fast forward to his car getting towed a week later, asking me for money to get it out, me saying no, and him not talking to me for a whole day. He apologized the next day and all was fine. Well then I was leaving to go overseas for a week, and I guess I was a little too anxious to talk to him before I left, because my messages asking to talk to him turned into him getting pissed off and blocking me.  So…here I am…still blocked and so damn confused.

Any guys who have made it this far….care to comment? Do I have terrible luck? Is it me? I literally can’t tell you how frustrating all this is.  As if things in life aren’t hard enough…then you add crappy dates and horrible actions and it can just make things so much worse.

It's not all bad though.  There are a few peaches in the mix.  I'm not sure if anything will come of any of it, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't have hope!

But for all that is bad, there is some light.  I just got home from Norway.  I was there to witness one of my favorite couples commit their lives to each other.  It was such a gorgeous ceremony and it made my heart so full to be there to witness them say their “I Dos.” I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, see some amazing sights, and really experience all the shopping Norway had to offer----because the airline lost our bags.  (I know, right?)

Here's a few pics from that trip!

Well.  Thanks for sticking around and listening to me rant about things. Each time I write, I usually try and leave things on a relatively happy note.  I’m not sure I can do that here.  All I can do is say that I’m not going to let a couple bad eggs get me down.  I’m not going to let a bad stretch define me. In fact, I texted my trainer and told her I was going to write another blog, and in true Sarah fashion, she sent me the most amazing text back.  

She said:

“I would love to read it…like I’ve told you before…it’s not just the ups or the highs that make people relate to you sis…it’s the lows and the setbacks and the breakdowns that set you up for your greatest comebacks…you are REAL. And you’re not a quitter.  You’re a fighter. People need to see what it looks like to fight even (and especially) when you’re frustrated or feel like permanently giving up or disappointed” 

There is more…but I think she sums up my mindset perfectly.  The biggest setbacks set you up for the greatest comebacks.  And my little bit of Sunday Reflections have me up to do just that.

Thanks for reading, everyone.  Your support means so much to me! You really have no idea.

Xoxo

J