Transformation Every Day

Holy crap!  Where has the time gone? I started this blog well over a year ago and I had the best intentions.  I wanted to have an outlet that allowed me to express my feelings without getting in my head and thinking too much about them.  But every time I tried to write, I would re-read and edit to try and make it sound better or be more impactful.  And when I really analyze that, I think it kind of has a very weird correlation to my life! I try to cut things out, make myself try and appear to be something I’m not so that it’s better received.  How screwed up is that?

But I digress….

What I really want to talk about is the photo I posted yesterday about my, never-ending, weight-loss journey! I know it’s cliché, and I know that when I started writing a year ago, that’s what I was talking about too.  But the struggle is real and I am going to keep talking about what’s going on in my life and my weight is something that continues to consume my thoughts and actions. And I guess the title of my blog is a little misleading since I've only really shown a couple shades.  There will be more. I promise.

So…lets start from the beginning.

In September I was in a really, really dark place.  I was heavier than I‘ve ever been in my life and feeling worse than I ever had. I would look at myself in the mirror and cry.  I found a damn stretch mark on the front of my belly, and that sent me into a complete tailspin.  I think there was a period of time that I literally didn’t leave my bed for like a week…..and I really wish I were exaggerating.  I was a mess! Below is a photo of me from then.  I have a hard time even looking at this picture to be honest. I'm at a wedding, I'm smiling, but you can tell that I'm far from genuinely happy.

And let me just take a second and say that I am genuinely thankful for people who continued to tell me I was beautiful during these down times.  It's not that I didn't hear you, but it was really hard for me to believe you. I also think it’s hard for people who have never struggled with eating right or exercising to understand.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard people tell me, “Just get up and do something…anything!” Like…I wish I could, yo! I wish I could wrap my mind around eating the grilled chicken and veggies instead of the pizza.  I wish I could force myself out of my bed and into the gym. I know how ridiculous this is.  I’m a smart girl.  I know what’s good and what’s bad for me.  But something in my brain just doesn’t want to hear it.

So…back to my dark place.  I really was scaring myself with the state of mind I was in.  I was fed up.  And for some reason, on a complete whim, I texted my brother and asked him about the girl who he would workout with while he lived in Knoxville.  I asked him if he thought it would be a good idea to meet her or call or and try and get her help.  At that point, it couldn’t hurt, right? So he said yes and gave me her name and so I reached out to her.  I had no idea how quickly and how incredibly my life would change when this girl joined my journey.

Sarah Van Sickle is a very unassuming girl on sight.  She has long blonde hair and a muscular build.  She’s not super intimidating on sight. But she opens her mouth and flashes her eyes and you know right away that she is a born motivator who would literally give her last breath to see you succeed.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to respond to her training style.  I do well with a male trainer getting in my face and yelling, but I wasn’t sure how I would be with her.  I think it's safe to say, and I hope she would agree, that she and I got along from the moment she bear hugged me on my first day.  Sarah started a non-profit organization, called Beauty Hunters, which is a free class anyone can come to. It's all about empowerment and running your race at your pace! It’s literally a judgment-free zone and a group of the most amazing women I have ever met. She also does group training at a gym in Knoxville.  One conversation with her and I was in.  I was in the gym the very next day.

She trains people of all genders, sizes, and fitness levels.  It was intimidating, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t overwhelmed.  I wasn’t in a gym full of meatheads hogging the free weights and squat racks.  I wasn’t getting looks from the cardio bunnies for using a treadmill that was ‘theirs.’  I was getting high-fives and cheers and more encouragement than I had gotten in a long time.  After my first workout, I left the gym in tears.  Could this finally be the answer to my fitness prayers?

Long story short, I think it is! I posted a photo on social media yesterday of my 2 month progress.  

Here it is:

And I know what you’re thinking.  September was way more than 2 months ago.  Thank you very much I know.  But it took me awhile to buy in, to be committed in the kitchen, and to love the gym again. I had days up until the beginning of December where I just had no interest in waking up early and going to work out.  And then I was embarrassed that I had missed class so I wouldn’t go again the next day.  Being so in your head can be a viscous circle…a really harmful, debilitating circle.  But eventually the doubts went away. And if they found their way back then Sarah send me a surprisingly effective message about fighting my fight and how proud she was of me.  I am now happier and healthier than I have been in a really long time.

My next steps are to continue killing it in the gym, keep making smart food choices, and making sure that I’m doing all of this for no one other than me. Let me explain that last one…

I know how much some people thrive on, and love, attention.  The last time I lost weight, the one thing that kept me motivated was the response I was getting from other people.  And because of that, when I moved to Chicago and stopped getting that positive reinforcement from people that I knew, I easily fell back into my old ways.  I went to a gym where I didn’t know anyone and was just like everyone else.  Because I didn’t have the foundation and self-confidence, it was so easy for me to slip back into bad habits. Shortly after I got there, I had gained every bit of that weight back.  So I was heavy, unhappy, embarrassed, and pretty much back at square one.

This time around, I am going to do my best to make every choice because it’s what I want.  I never want to do things because it’s what I think other people want me to do…or expect me to do.  This journey is for me.  With that being said….I just have to say that if you were an asshole to me when I wasn’t in a good place, don’t try and come celebrate me when I’m happy! I did all of this despite you…not for you!

Thank you all for your sweet words yesterday! I didn’t post that picture for the compliments, but they sure are nice to hear. Please keep lifting me up with your encouragement and love!

I love you all!

Xoxo,

J