Hello, my friends! It’s been about 6 weeks since I last
posted, and what an eventful 6 weeks it has been. There’s been a lot running
through my head lately, so this might be a long one. But I promise that by the end of this post, you will be able to relate a little bit better, be a little more hopeful for me, and leave maybe just a little bit inspired!
So let's all take a deep breath........here we go.
The most notable thing that’s happened since my last post…I
am getting ready to begin week 5 of a 12-week nutrition and fitness
challenge. My trainer got this set
up, and there are dozens of people in my training group participating. We are working with a nutritionist,
inputting everything into MyFitnessPal, working out as much as we can, and
helping each other stay motivated along the way.
I just have to say, what an incredible opportunity this is! First
of all, I am one of the more competitive people I’ve ever met. So, I am going to do my best to be as
dedicated to this process as possible so I see maximum results. (Even though
it’s not a competition…let’s be honest…yes it is!) Second of all, taking such a
critical look at what I’m putting in my body has made me wonder what the hell
I’ve been doing to myself all these years. It was so easy to eat whatever I
wanted and pay ZERO attention to the nutritional values. I wasn’t getting bigger very fast, but
I can totally see how all those drinks and foods added up to make me the size I
ultimately became….regardless of whether I was working out a ton or not.
My first meeting with the nutritionist was interesting to
say the least. I spent about 50% of it crying, and the other 50% taking in as
much information from her as I could.
I don’t think she had any idea what she was getting herself into when I
walked into her door. I had
completed almost 1 week of the challenge without any direction by her. I was eating about 1600 calories a day,
and paying no attention to my macro intake (proteins, fats, and carbs). I felt
like I was eating everything in sight, and was not sure what to think when she
bumped me up to 2100 calories a day (160g of protein, 200 g of carbohydrates,
and 65 g of fat). I was panicking.
How on Earth was I going to eat all that? It’s going to take FOREVER to
get this all right! After about a week of playing with recipes and snacks, I
finally got things about where I wanted them. I meet with her every 2 weeks to adjust and discuss issues
I’m having.
**Just a quick side note. I told several people about that meeting with Meredith. They all asked me why I started crying. What I think most people need to understand is that while I, very freely, talk about my body issues and struggles through this blog, saying the words out loud is very difficult for me. If I were to try and read this blog out loud, I would burst into a big puddle of tears. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that.**
Fast forward 2 weeks, countless workouts, and lots of diminished
cravings, and I go in to meet with her again. I was feeling better…more confident, but way nervous. I brought the same clothes I took my
first pictures in so I could (hopefully) see a difference. We talked through some things, and then
I got undressed, then redressed, and stepped in front of the white wall to take
photos again.
MAJOR DISCLAIMER ALERT:
It’s taking a lot for me to post these pictures for yall to
see. I still have so far to go,
but I think it’s important to see what 2 weeks of clean eating and exercise
will get you. I think the progress
is pretty amazing. So if you’ve
got any negative opinions, take your shit somewhere else!
So, here I am a week after the second picture was
taken. I am still having cravings,
like a lot of them, but I am trying to keep myself on track. I’ve got 7 weeks
to go until the challenge is over, and even longer before I get back to where I
want to be. But I am extremely
proud of the work I’ve put in. I’m
working out with Sarah 6 days a week, plus adding extra cardio on my own. I’m finding the athlete that’s been
buried deep inside me for a long time.
She’s making her way to the surface. And I cannot wait until she is back in full force!
Moving on....
All that body stuff is great. I really am proud of myself! But what I didn’t expect was
the emotional toll it was going to take.
For a long time, I blamed a lot of the stuff going on in my personal
life on my weight. On my low self-esteem and what comes with that. Whenever bad stuff happened, whether it
was a bad date or an anxiety attack, I blamed it on my body. I realize how little sense that makes,
but for someone overweight, it is incredibly easy to place blame on external
factors. It is way easier to do
that than accept that you have real character flaws.
So what happens when you start getting your body right, and
stuff still goes wrong? When you’re starting to feel more confident, but a
relationship still evades you?
Well as soon as I find out, I’ll let you know.
Other than the 90-Day Challenge, the thing that’s on my mind
the most is….guys! Shocking, I know.
I’ve gone on a couple dates in the last few weeks. Well, one
date. Hung out with a few, talked
to a few. I’m not sure what to make of these guys to be honest. One of them told me he really liked me
but isn’t emotionally available.
That he still wants to hang out and get to know me better. Update: we still haven’t hung out again
and our conversations have been short and sparse at best. I’ve tried, but I feel like I’m chasing
someone who probably isn’t going to chase me back. And that one-sided stuff really takes a toll on me. One guy
ghosted for a few weeks, came back around, then out, and now I’m not really
sure what is happening. One isn’t
from here and I’m not sure I see a time any time soon where I’ll see him. Frustrating, right?! Haha.
I actually had a big breakdown about it last night. So many tears, so many irrational
thoughts. There was major ‘woe-is-me’ stuff happening. Like, why do I feel like I have to try
so hard to get someone to want to spend time with me? And I know that if I feel like I’m working that hard,
they’re not worth it. Blah blah
blah. I know. I get it. I’m trying
to wean myself off the idea that if I’m not talking to someone then something
is missing. But it’s not
easy. And I’d be lying if I said
that part of me really doesn’t like the idea of one of these things becoming
something because I didn’t give up when I wanted to.
Anyone got any advice on how exactly to stop thinking this
way?! Haha. I’ll literally take
anything you got!
Maybe part of me is still doing this challenge for the wrong
reasons. Maybe I’m not just doing
this to better myself, but so people see me differently. So I can tell these guys who didn’t
work for me to hit the road? Maybe revenge body is one of the best motivations
there is?
Regardless, I think I’m taking the right steps to figure all
this stuff out. I want to figure
out how to love myself, and how to believe people when they compliment me. I want to figure out the balance
between respecting myself and working for something that I think could be
really great. And most of all, I
want to figure out how to put all those little pieces together to make a better
version of myself!
Thanks for listening to my rambles. I hope this made sense to someone of
you! My head can be a jumbled mess sometimes, and I just try my best to make
sense of it all.
On to do some food prep!
Till next time….
Xoxo
J