One step at a time...

First and foremost, I have to just say a huge THANK YOU!! I thank you all for so many things this week.  Thank you for reading my first post.  Thank you for the incredible responses I got.  Thank you for making me feel special and loved.  And thank you for your words of encouragement and faith. Journeys of this kind cannot be traveled alone, so knowing I have you all in my corner is the best motivation I could ask for.

I heard from former teachers, friends who I haven't talked to in years, friends who I talked to yesterday, and some of our family friends.  I never intended on this blog to inspire people.  I just wanted to write about my struggles and hold myself accountable.  But if I could ever help someone else by sharing my experience, then this has accomplished far more than I ever intended.  So, if you are reading this and want to confide in someone who knows exactly how you feel, I am open ears! Feel free to message me or email me or text me (if you have my number) and we can conquer this stuff together.

So once again...

Now....let me fill you in on what has changed in the last week.

I think the hardest part of getting healthy, in general, is the delayed satisfaction and results.  I can say all day that I want to lose x amount pounds, but the time between making that decision and seeing the hard work pay off is agonizing.  A lot of times, and from most people who talk about dieting, we are so consumed with instant gratification that if we don't see a pound or two off the scale right away, we decide it's not working. So--I am going to take a new approach.  I want to look at every minor detail of my life and find progress in those things first.  For example, after making my declaration last week, I went to the gym, had an amazing workout, and then had an extremely productive day.  That night, I laid my head on my pillow at a reasonable hour and fell asleep without taking any sleeping aids.  No melatonin, no Benadryl, no Nyquil.   It may not seem that significant, but for someone who has had chronic sleeping issues, it's huge!

The way I look at it, if I can find joy in small hurdles first, then when I clear the big hurdles, I'll be even more happy. If I can give any advice to someone who is looking to conquer their weight issues--or any issues--it would be that.  One step at a time.  One day you may take one step.  One day you may take 10.  But make sure you celebrate the one step as much as you celebrate the 10 because they are both steps in the right direction.

Something else that I've seen some change in is my ability to take a compliment.  I don't know if it's a trait of most women, but I am the WORST compliment taker of all time.  I'm not saying I'm completely cured of being a negative nancy, but I am starting to find enough value in myself to believe people when they give me compliments about certain things. I think a lot of times, people with poor self images have a hard time taking compliments because they can't imagine how anyone would see them in a way that's different than the way they see themselves. If I could name any major flaw of mine, this would be the first thing that comes to mind.  But something really strange happened this past weekend and I didn't even notice it happening.

First, let me give you an idea of the people who I was with.  While I consider most or all of these people my friends, I consider them my brothers friends first.  I don't know if it's fair to separate groups of friends as mine or my brothers--but it's just easier that way! I guess that's not all that crazy.  But I digress.....

One of the weddings we went to on Saturday brought all of his friends together from all over.  I have always been terribly self conscious around most of them for some reason--especially when they are all together.  The biggest reason of which is that they are all extremely beautiful people. Inside and out. They are all very fit and take excellent care of themselves.  They are naturally gorgeous and just super fun to hang out with.  I hate to use the word jealous, but there has always been an aspect of jealousy there.  I thought because of how I look, I just didn't fit in (that sounds familiar, no?).  Please bear in mind that they never treated like I don't belong.  They always welcome me with open arms.  I have been invited to almost every wedding and every major event.  By that standard, they are some of my closest friends.  But--somewhere in the back of my mind, there is always an annoying voice telling me that I don't belong.

BUT! And I feel the need to shout that one.  But--that voice in the back of my mind was much quieter this weekend.  Anytime anyone would pay me a compliment, it wasn't immediately screaming at me telling me that they were just being polite.  When one of my brother's friends told him he thought I was awesome, I believed him! When one of the girls came up to me and told me I looked really pretty, I believed her.  It was really strange for me to not immediately go into my scary dark place! I took that as one of my big hurdles.  Not that I have cleared the hurdle completely, but I definitely jumped high enough.  Heres a few pics from this weekend....

Me and my big (younger) brother

Finally got to meet CC at the wedding!

The guys!

I found these new feelings a little strange since I don't technically look any different.  I haven't lost enough weight to notice it on my body.  But there was just something so empowering about taking control of my attitude and my outlook.  I think it read on my face and the way I carry myself.  Now--again--I am not completely 'cured' of my negative outlook about myself.  I skipped out on the beach this week because the idea of being in a bathing suit would send me straight to the scary dark place.  But it's a start! And a start is my first step.

Lastly, I just want to share my horoscope for today with you.  Sometimes I read these things and think they are complete bull.  But, this message couldn't be more appropriate for the way I'm feeling right now.

You can see happiness surrounding you--there are people smiling,

holding hands, enjoying the sunshine.  You can see success all

around you too.  There are individuals who can easily buy what they want

and live the lifestyle they desire.  But what about you, Scorpio? 

Are you feeling somewhat envious right now? Maybe you are thinking

that you will never be able to attain what those other people have.

But that's not so. In the weeks ahead you will get a 

wonderful taste of what's possible.

Until next time....

xoxo

J

First is the worst....

And this being my first post, I'm hoping it only gets better after this. Whoa! This feels strange.  I was never a big journal writer, so having a running record of my thoughts written down is going to be weird.  I also have a giant disclaimer for you all:  I. Do. Not. Write. For. A. Living.  I would never claim to. So, I'm sure I will use words incorrectly, spell things poorly, and put commas where they aren't needed.  And to that I say, get over it! This is more for me than for anyone else, so I could care less than to worry about my completely flawed writing.  So you don't worry either! Ok? Thanks. Bye!

I guess I should probably give a little background on me for those of you who don't know. My full name is Jacquelyn Elizabeth Pearl.  I was born on November 7 in Palo Alto, California.  My parents are Bruce Pearl (yes that guy) and Kim Shrigley.  I have 2 brothers and a sister.  I am who I am because I get to call those five amazing people my family.

My gorgeous brothers and sister!

I am a daddy's girl and proud of it!

I love my mama so much!

I have moved around my whole life.  Since I was born, I have lived in California (Palo Alto), Iowa (Iowa City), Indiana (Evansville), Wisconsin (Milwaukee and Madison), Tennessee (Knoxville), and Illinois (Chicago). Moving on to new things and new people feels natural for me. The main reason we moved so much was for my dad's job. Except the the Chicago move--that was all me--and we'll get to that in another post.

I am the daughter of a DI college basketball coach. I know I am biased, but my dad is the best man that I know. As most of you will remember, he was in a bit of trouble a few years ago with the NCAA.  I really hate talking about it.  I get upset and say mean things. So we won't go there I guess. Anyways...he was on a 3 year suspension and never expected to coach again. Then, on March 18th, he was offered the amazing opportunity to coach again at Auburn University! #WarEagle #bestbirthdaypresentever  I will never be able to thank Auburn enough for getting my daddy back on the sidelines.  It was a tough three years for our entire family.  We endured endless criticism, unwanted public attention, and had some 'friends' show their true colors and magically disappear from our lives. It was an eye opening experience for all of us, but I cannot wait for this new adventure and have been stocking up on the 'correct' color orange! Don't worry Knoxville--I graduated from UT and will always be a Vol Fan...until basketball season rolls around.  ;-)

As I mentioned previously, I want to give you all a look into what's happening underneath the facade. So enough with the stuff you already know...

(This is where this gets really difficult for me)

I have been battling low self esteem and weight issues since I was a little girl.  I know this is very common for young women, so I never really thought much of it. When I was younger, I always felt bigger than the other girls my age. I was never bullied.  I had a great group of friends. I had boyfriends. But I felt like I was different--big.  Looking back at pictures, I couldn't believe I ever looked at myself and thought I was fat.  I played 4 sports.  I was tall and athletic.  I had muscles!!! Unfortunately, that mentality followed me through grade school, into high school, through college, and is stuck with me now.  

Then one day, about 2 and a half years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what was looking back at me.  It was a strange feeling because I finally seen a reflection of what I was feeling.  It was like I had taken off my own mask. It was then that I realized the 'typical' girl problems had morphed into something debilitating.  It was keeping me from living my life.  

I was sad.  

I was lonely.  

I didn't recognize myself.

I decided to make a change.  I called The Rush, got a trainer, cleaned out my fridge, and changed my life.  I started working out 5x a week, I ate super healthy, and my attitude about myself changed.  I didn't look at myself as a victim of my mindset anymore.  I felt free! I felt like a weight had been lifted--literally! Losing 35+ lbs will do that to a girl. But then life happened and I fell.

Fast forward to May 20, 2014. Go on passed a promotion, a move, a year of having no support system in Chicago, a huge change in my career again, a move back to Knoxville, and a lot of pizza. I was back where I started.  I was back to the attitude I had about myself all those years ago.  But--again--I woke up, removed the mask, and saw myself in a different light.  And this time, I am not looking at myself like a helpless little girl who cannot affect her circumstances.  I am taking control of my life...again. I am changing my life...again. This will not be without it's challenges.  It won't be without set backs. But, with the support and encouragement of all of you, and taking my feelings out in this blog instead of with food, I will be back to myself in no time.  I've done it once. Why not again?

I read a quote the other day that stuck with me. It said "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  So.  I'm going to stop re-reading chapters of my life and start using them as a foundation to continue writing my story.  I hope you guys will stick around and see what happens!

Until next time...

xoxo

J