Questions Unanswerable

Hey again my sweet friends!! Once again--yall have no idea how much the love and support means to me. It seriously warms my heart every time one of you tells me that you've read and/or love my blog! Definitely a sweet and unexpected surprise, as I never thought that many people would want to read about what goes on in my crazy brain. So, in case I haven't said it enough...thanks a million!

I want to throw out another disclaimer before you all read this specific post.  First of all, this is going to be a little lengthy so please bear with me. Second, this was the hardest one to write, by far. I’m going to try and make as much sense as I can and hopefully reach the conclusion I intend. Guess we’ll see…

Since the last time I posted, I was asked a certain question several times by a few different people.  The question was harmless enough: “What are you looking for in a man?” Sounds like it should be easy to answer, right? Well apparently not for me! I’ll admit I had been drinking…a lot…but I should be able to answer that question!  For some reason, the only response I could come up with was “I want someone who can hang and who I don’t have to babysit in a big group of people.” I mean…WHAT??? What does that even mean? Sure, that’s a nice quality, and definitely somewhere on the list, but certainly isn’t number one.

Well, after that mess of a response, I got to thinking about my past relationships—or more accurately, lack of relationships.  And most importantly, how that has lead to my current state of mind about myself—since that’s what this blog is all about after all! I wanted to pinpoint the things that have happened that have lead me to where I am now.  I need to be able to answer the question “what are you looking for…” in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

I hate to admit that men have affected how I feel about myself.  I think it’s an annoying reality that most women, if not all, suffer from. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but for a long time, and maybe even still, I based my self worth on whether I had a guy in my life.  After a lifetime of unsuccessful relationships (attempted relationships), how could I not have a poor self-image? I mean, if that’s how I place value in myself, then it’s no wonder I’ve got issues. 

So indulge me a little bit and I’ll backtrack and see if I can figure out where things went wrong.

As I mentioned in my first post, I had ‘boyfriends’ growing up.  I put that in quotes because I’m not sure that I count my 6^th grade boyfriend who I traded notes with or the boy who I sat in silence on the phone with when I was 12.  I suppose my first real boyfriend came around when I was in 7^th grade. 

Side Note:  I’m not going to name any names or share any pictures.  If any of these guys read this, they will know who they are and that’s satisfaction enough for me. 

So…here we go!

Boyfriend #1 was a freshman in high school, I was in 7^th grade, and I thought this was MAJOR! He was my first kiss—and it actually happened at one of dad’s basketball games. I will always be happy that I have that memory. It was everything I could have wanted in a first kiss.  We ‘dated’ for a few months.  We exchanged endless AOL emails and AIM chats. We saw each other at almost every subsequent USI basketball game. I thought I had hit the first real boyfriend jackpot. To be fair, I had nothing to compare it to--I didn’t know any better. Then on the night of my Bat Mitzvah, I found out that he was cheating on me.  My little Jewish girl’s heart was crushed.

Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have been as upset as I was.  But believe me when I tell you that I thought my life was o-v-e-r! Of course I found out who the girl was and started making my comparisons.  Keep in mind that this is pre-Facebook and MySpace.  Finding out who she was and what she looked like was no easy task. She was older.  She was taller.  She was, in my opinion, prettier.  I definitely wouldn’t go so far as saying that my negative self-perception started here, but it was certainly the first time it was connected to a guy. And now, looking back, I think it was just a slippery slope from then on.

After that, I could sense a clear shift in my mindset. I was untrusting and needy.  I doubted anyone who showed any interest.  I think I started to self-sabotage a little.

In truth, things only got worse in the self-esteem department.  I moved away from Indiana—where I had lived for 9 years.  I was coming into my sophomore year and I had no friends.  It was a tough bag at the school I was transferring to. Luckily I had sports and some friends that naturally came with that.  But I wanted that high school sweetheart moment.  I wanted it so badly that I allowed myself to accept way less than I deserved.  I was ok with being the second choice. As ashamed of it as I am, I was the girl that guys would go to after they broke up with their high school sweethearts.  I let myself fall victim to my own belief—that I wasn’t good enough to be someone’s first choice.  I lost some friends over it, and it set the stage for a college dating experience that was less than ideal.

I don’t really believe in regrets, but I regret letting my self-esteem issues come between a friend and me. So if that once upon a time friend is reading this—please know how sorry I am! Don’t know that I ever said it out loud.  I wasn’t really ready to face the music.

Anyways...I moved to Tennessee in October of 2005.  I’ve only had one ‘relationship’ worth discussing.

I met this guy through some family friends. We stayed friends for a long-time, as he had a girlfriend when we met.  We kept in touch for a year or so and after he was single for a while, we started hanging out. Anyone who I would describe our situation to would have said we were dating. But from his perspective, we were just friends. I probably should have just taken the hint and walked away at that point, but I was convinced he would change his tune. I wanted ‘more’ with him. We made sense. We met each other’s families.  We spent time with each other’s friends. We spent the night together several times a week (wink wink).  I even recall one time him waking up one morning and hugging me and calling me ‘his girl.’ 

I was over the moon.  I thought I found someone who was different, who I didn’t need to be self-conscious with.  Well, a few months later, he called me and told me that he needed some time.  He thought I was getting too serious and he needed to think.  I was upset, but I guess in the back of my head I knew it could happen. He had warned me that he didn’t want a relationship.  The odd thing was that he just disappeared! Didn’t return phone calls.  Didn’t answer texts.  And then he pops up a few months later with a new girlfriend. 

I was devastated. 

Let’s fast forward to 2ish years ago when I started my first weight loss journey.  I began in February and saw this guy again a few months later.  He was single again.  I was 20 lbs lighter.  I told myself it would be different because I was different.  I was happy now.  I was taking pride in myself and it showed on the outside.

Well. I’m sure you can guess what happens next. But, we spent a few months getting to know each other again.  We hung out with each other’s families.  We spent time with each other’s friends.  We went on road trips.  I shared things with him that I hadn’t shared with people before.  Come October of 2012, I got a job promotion and was moving to Chicago.  I was thrilled for my new opportunity. We were talking about the move one night, and he looked at me, kissed me, and told me he wished I wasn’t leaving.  And there I went.  Back over the moon.

I was thin.

I was successful.

I was confident.

I was happy.

So, I moved and started my new life in Chicago.  Never expected us to continue doing what we were doing, but I also didn’t expect to come home and find that he had moved in with a girl.  It was like a storyline out of a soap opera or something.  I had a few choice words for him and I haven’t spoken to him since.  That was 17 months ago.

And now, here I am. Trying to put together the pieces of my past and figure out how I got here.  How I got to be so insecure. How I probably wouldn’t recognize a healthy relationship if it smacked me in the face.  I think I’ve been so let down in the past that I sabotage any potential there could be.  I blame it on my weight.  I blame it on my schedule.  I tell myself that even if I were to see what’s out there, it wouldn’t matter. I mean, I even got dumped by a guy I met online, and we hadn't even met yet!

That. Stops. Now.

There’s that old adage that says, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.” And while I completely believe that to be true now, up until a short while ago, it would have more appropriately said, “I can’t love myself until someone loves me.” I’m not sure where the change occurred, or if just taking a few days to type this blog out is what did it.  But I have had crappy relationships with other people because I’ve had a crappy relationship with myself.  As I’ve begun to repair that relationship, I start seeing flashes of the amazing person I know is in me.  I start seeing the catch everyone tells me I am.  The body will follow—and people will finally learn to appreciate me for who I am and not as the mask I’ve been wearing. As I continue down this road, I know more positives will come—from more outlets than just men!

But—to round out this long-winded, novel-length blog, I think I know a better answer to the question I was asked this weekend. I am looking for my best friend.  I am looking for a person who doesn’t complete me, but who makes a better completed me! I have to be complete on my own.  I don’t want my other half, because then I’m only half of a person.  What I want is someone who sees me for me, all my faults included, and loves me anyway! And can that person hang in a big group of people and not have to be babysat?? You bet your ass!

Till next time, y’all!

Xoxo

J

One step at a time...

First and foremost, I have to just say a huge THANK YOU!! I thank you all for so many things this week.  Thank you for reading my first post.  Thank you for the incredible responses I got.  Thank you for making me feel special and loved.  And thank you for your words of encouragement and faith. Journeys of this kind cannot be traveled alone, so knowing I have you all in my corner is the best motivation I could ask for.

I heard from former teachers, friends who I haven't talked to in years, friends who I talked to yesterday, and some of our family friends.  I never intended on this blog to inspire people.  I just wanted to write about my struggles and hold myself accountable.  But if I could ever help someone else by sharing my experience, then this has accomplished far more than I ever intended.  So, if you are reading this and want to confide in someone who knows exactly how you feel, I am open ears! Feel free to message me or email me or text me (if you have my number) and we can conquer this stuff together.

So once again...

Now....let me fill you in on what has changed in the last week.

I think the hardest part of getting healthy, in general, is the delayed satisfaction and results.  I can say all day that I want to lose x amount pounds, but the time between making that decision and seeing the hard work pay off is agonizing.  A lot of times, and from most people who talk about dieting, we are so consumed with instant gratification that if we don't see a pound or two off the scale right away, we decide it's not working. So--I am going to take a new approach.  I want to look at every minor detail of my life and find progress in those things first.  For example, after making my declaration last week, I went to the gym, had an amazing workout, and then had an extremely productive day.  That night, I laid my head on my pillow at a reasonable hour and fell asleep without taking any sleeping aids.  No melatonin, no Benadryl, no Nyquil.   It may not seem that significant, but for someone who has had chronic sleeping issues, it's huge!

The way I look at it, if I can find joy in small hurdles first, then when I clear the big hurdles, I'll be even more happy. If I can give any advice to someone who is looking to conquer their weight issues--or any issues--it would be that.  One step at a time.  One day you may take one step.  One day you may take 10.  But make sure you celebrate the one step as much as you celebrate the 10 because they are both steps in the right direction.

Something else that I've seen some change in is my ability to take a compliment.  I don't know if it's a trait of most women, but I am the WORST compliment taker of all time.  I'm not saying I'm completely cured of being a negative nancy, but I am starting to find enough value in myself to believe people when they give me compliments about certain things. I think a lot of times, people with poor self images have a hard time taking compliments because they can't imagine how anyone would see them in a way that's different than the way they see themselves. If I could name any major flaw of mine, this would be the first thing that comes to mind.  But something really strange happened this past weekend and I didn't even notice it happening.

First, let me give you an idea of the people who I was with.  While I consider most or all of these people my friends, I consider them my brothers friends first.  I don't know if it's fair to separate groups of friends as mine or my brothers--but it's just easier that way! I guess that's not all that crazy.  But I digress.....

One of the weddings we went to on Saturday brought all of his friends together from all over.  I have always been terribly self conscious around most of them for some reason--especially when they are all together.  The biggest reason of which is that they are all extremely beautiful people. Inside and out. They are all very fit and take excellent care of themselves.  They are naturally gorgeous and just super fun to hang out with.  I hate to use the word jealous, but there has always been an aspect of jealousy there.  I thought because of how I look, I just didn't fit in (that sounds familiar, no?).  Please bear in mind that they never treated like I don't belong.  They always welcome me with open arms.  I have been invited to almost every wedding and every major event.  By that standard, they are some of my closest friends.  But--somewhere in the back of my mind, there is always an annoying voice telling me that I don't belong.

BUT! And I feel the need to shout that one.  But--that voice in the back of my mind was much quieter this weekend.  Anytime anyone would pay me a compliment, it wasn't immediately screaming at me telling me that they were just being polite.  When one of my brother's friends told him he thought I was awesome, I believed him! When one of the girls came up to me and told me I looked really pretty, I believed her.  It was really strange for me to not immediately go into my scary dark place! I took that as one of my big hurdles.  Not that I have cleared the hurdle completely, but I definitely jumped high enough.  Heres a few pics from this weekend....

Me and my big (younger) brother

Finally got to meet CC at the wedding!

The guys!

I found these new feelings a little strange since I don't technically look any different.  I haven't lost enough weight to notice it on my body.  But there was just something so empowering about taking control of my attitude and my outlook.  I think it read on my face and the way I carry myself.  Now--again--I am not completely 'cured' of my negative outlook about myself.  I skipped out on the beach this week because the idea of being in a bathing suit would send me straight to the scary dark place.  But it's a start! And a start is my first step.

Lastly, I just want to share my horoscope for today with you.  Sometimes I read these things and think they are complete bull.  But, this message couldn't be more appropriate for the way I'm feeling right now.

You can see happiness surrounding you--there are people smiling,

holding hands, enjoying the sunshine.  You can see success all

around you too.  There are individuals who can easily buy what they want

and live the lifestyle they desire.  But what about you, Scorpio? 

Are you feeling somewhat envious right now? Maybe you are thinking

that you will never be able to attain what those other people have.

But that's not so. In the weeks ahead you will get a 

wonderful taste of what's possible.

Until next time....

xoxo

J

First is the worst....

And this being my first post, I'm hoping it only gets better after this. Whoa! This feels strange.  I was never a big journal writer, so having a running record of my thoughts written down is going to be weird.  I also have a giant disclaimer for you all:  I. Do. Not. Write. For. A. Living.  I would never claim to. So, I'm sure I will use words incorrectly, spell things poorly, and put commas where they aren't needed.  And to that I say, get over it! This is more for me than for anyone else, so I could care less than to worry about my completely flawed writing.  So you don't worry either! Ok? Thanks. Bye!

I guess I should probably give a little background on me for those of you who don't know. My full name is Jacquelyn Elizabeth Pearl.  I was born on November 7 in Palo Alto, California.  My parents are Bruce Pearl (yes that guy) and Kim Shrigley.  I have 2 brothers and a sister.  I am who I am because I get to call those five amazing people my family.

My gorgeous brothers and sister!

I am a daddy's girl and proud of it!

I love my mama so much!

I have moved around my whole life.  Since I was born, I have lived in California (Palo Alto), Iowa (Iowa City), Indiana (Evansville), Wisconsin (Milwaukee and Madison), Tennessee (Knoxville), and Illinois (Chicago). Moving on to new things and new people feels natural for me. The main reason we moved so much was for my dad's job. Except the the Chicago move--that was all me--and we'll get to that in another post.

I am the daughter of a DI college basketball coach. I know I am biased, but my dad is the best man that I know. As most of you will remember, he was in a bit of trouble a few years ago with the NCAA.  I really hate talking about it.  I get upset and say mean things. So we won't go there I guess. Anyways...he was on a 3 year suspension and never expected to coach again. Then, on March 18th, he was offered the amazing opportunity to coach again at Auburn University! #WarEagle #bestbirthdaypresentever  I will never be able to thank Auburn enough for getting my daddy back on the sidelines.  It was a tough three years for our entire family.  We endured endless criticism, unwanted public attention, and had some 'friends' show their true colors and magically disappear from our lives. It was an eye opening experience for all of us, but I cannot wait for this new adventure and have been stocking up on the 'correct' color orange! Don't worry Knoxville--I graduated from UT and will always be a Vol Fan...until basketball season rolls around.  ;-)

As I mentioned previously, I want to give you all a look into what's happening underneath the facade. So enough with the stuff you already know...

(This is where this gets really difficult for me)

I have been battling low self esteem and weight issues since I was a little girl.  I know this is very common for young women, so I never really thought much of it. When I was younger, I always felt bigger than the other girls my age. I was never bullied.  I had a great group of friends. I had boyfriends. But I felt like I was different--big.  Looking back at pictures, I couldn't believe I ever looked at myself and thought I was fat.  I played 4 sports.  I was tall and athletic.  I had muscles!!! Unfortunately, that mentality followed me through grade school, into high school, through college, and is stuck with me now.  

Then one day, about 2 and a half years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what was looking back at me.  It was a strange feeling because I finally seen a reflection of what I was feeling.  It was like I had taken off my own mask. It was then that I realized the 'typical' girl problems had morphed into something debilitating.  It was keeping me from living my life.  

I was sad.  

I was lonely.  

I didn't recognize myself.

I decided to make a change.  I called The Rush, got a trainer, cleaned out my fridge, and changed my life.  I started working out 5x a week, I ate super healthy, and my attitude about myself changed.  I didn't look at myself as a victim of my mindset anymore.  I felt free! I felt like a weight had been lifted--literally! Losing 35+ lbs will do that to a girl. But then life happened and I fell.

Fast forward to May 20, 2014. Go on passed a promotion, a move, a year of having no support system in Chicago, a huge change in my career again, a move back to Knoxville, and a lot of pizza. I was back where I started.  I was back to the attitude I had about myself all those years ago.  But--again--I woke up, removed the mask, and saw myself in a different light.  And this time, I am not looking at myself like a helpless little girl who cannot affect her circumstances.  I am taking control of my life...again. I am changing my life...again. This will not be without it's challenges.  It won't be without set backs. But, with the support and encouragement of all of you, and taking my feelings out in this blog instead of with food, I will be back to myself in no time.  I've done it once. Why not again?

I read a quote the other day that stuck with me. It said "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  So.  I'm going to stop re-reading chapters of my life and start using them as a foundation to continue writing my story.  I hope you guys will stick around and see what happens!

Until next time...

xoxo

J