Sunday Reflections

Happy Sunday, my friends! 

I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me…but I’m feeling quite reflective today so I thought I would put a pen to paper (or in this case, my fingers to the keyboard), and give you some insight on what’s been going on in my life.

Things sure have taken lots of different turns since I’ve posted last. The 90-day challenge has come and gone…and almost another 90 days has passed. I started a new job.  There have been more relationship woes, and some significant learning opportunities. I’ll try and get through all of what’s been happening and not bore anyone.

So—yes.  I started a new job in June. I was let go from Pilot for reasons that I am still unsure of, but that’s a much longer story than anyone has time for.  I was panicked and worried.  I’m a terrible saver, so I really only had enough money to make it to the end of the month. I needed to find a job fast! Luckily, a friend of a friend (who is now my friend) works for Fox 43 and got me in contact with the GM there.  I went in, not really knowing it was a job interview (thank God I brought my resume), and had an amazing conversation with him.  Three days later, I had a job offer in my hands and some confidence blowing wind in my sails. 

It was the first time that I’ve been recognized for the work I’ve done, and not just the potential for what my last name means in this town.  I am a few months in, and it’s been a bit of a challenge for me.  The sales process is different and it’s a TON of new information.  But I’m enjoying the process and feel very confident that with some time, new relationships, and a lot of hard work, I’ll be where I want to be. So...if you're looking to do some advertising....holler!

So not to beat a dead horse again, but let’s move on and talk about the 90-day challenge and my everlasting struggle with my body. 

One word comes to mind when I think of this whole process: backsliding. When you Google backslide, here’s what pops up:

back·slide

ˈbakslīd/

verb

1.    relapse into bad ways or error.

synonyms:

relapse, lapse, regress, weaken, lose one's resolve, give in to temptation, go astray, leave the straight and narrow, fall off the wagon "many things can cause dieters to backslide"

It’s so interesting to me that they use dieting as an example here, because that’s exactly what happened.  Those 90 days were the hardest of my life.  I grinded and dug in, and worked harder that that than I have worked at anything in my life.  I was obsessed.  I worked out at least 6 days a week…sometimes doing 2 a days. I was meal prepping within an inch of my life.  I was on a streak that no one could deter me from.  I was good when I traveled...found minutes to get my heart rate up.  It was the best shape I had ever been in.  Here’s what the before and after looked like.

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER:

Please continue to keep your negative ass comments to yourselves. A ton of blood, sweat, and tears went into changing my body and don’t nobody got time for hate. So bye!

Even looking at these now, I'm not satisfied.  But I can definitely recognize how far I had come.  I finished the challenge in second place.  I was on top of the world. I lost a ton of body fat, while building lean muscle mass (which apparently is hard to do?). But then the challenge ended, and I started my new job.  My schedule was thrown off.  My eating time and prep time was cut off, and I was sent into a complete tailspin. 

See…the thing is…I loved working out at 8 am with the group that I had.  We had each other’s backs and encouraged each other. It was a safe place for me to go in, put in work, and leave feeling amazing. When I started my new job, I could only go workout at 530 am.  And anyone who knows me knows I’m a raging insomniac and mornings are not exactly my thing.  It was really hard for me to adjust my mindset. And because I was so in my head about the change, I just stopped going.  At first I told myself it was because I needed to adjust to going to work in an office again.  But then it became something else.

So here I sit…almost 90 days after the 90-day Challenge, and I haven’t been to the gym since the middle of June. Not only have I not worked out, but also I haven’t put the work in the kitchen either. I am ordering crap, eating crap, and destroying all the hard work I put in.  I tell myself every day that I will get it back in gear...and each day goes by and I don’t. 

Something funny happens to me when I go through lulls in the gym.  Not only do I feel badly about myself, but also there is a sense of embarrassment.  I am ashamed that I haven’t been there…that I’ve let people down…that I’ve let myself down. It is crippling.  It keeps me from going back.  It may sound stupid, but it’s very real for me.  All the encouragement in the world won’t help, because it’s like I don’t want any added attention.

Anyone got any advice on how to get over that hump? Cuz I need to get my ass back in gear.  Your girl hasn’t seen a squat rack in a minute and I’m dying.

So.  We’ve covered work and my body (again).  Now let’s talk about all the wonderful luck I’ve had with relationships lately.

I try my hardest to be an eternally optimistic person.  I try to not get discouraged and give up on the idea of love and happiness in a relationship.  But it feels like every time I turn around, another asshole rears his asshole face and I’m reminded how hard it is to find a good man.  (Complete side note…but thank God for the gay men in my life.  They show me every day that it’s true that all the good ones are gay.) Anyways. There are too many great women in my life that have gone through tough stuff lately because a man is selfish and childish and he unilaterally decides the outcome of their relationship. If you’re reading this, please know that I love you.  And if you’re the guy who screwed them over and you’re reading this (excuse my French), Fuck You!

But let me just share two stories with you about what’s been happening with me. And let me just say...I'm not telling these stories because I want people to feel bad for me or whatever.  But...my friends always tell me I should write a book about the crazy stuff that happens in my dating life.  So...here's a tiny excerpt of what that looks like.

First story goes like this: I met this super awesome guy online.  He is a college football coach and, for fairly obvious reasons, we hit it off immediately. I understood the demands of his career and he appreciated that I got it.  He was unbelievably sweet to me.  He told me on more than one occasion that he could envision a future with me.  I was excited about him…more excited than I have been with anyone in a long, long time.  I allowed myself to open up and tell him things that I normally would keep locked up.  I was really happy.  He lives about an hour or so away, so I made a plan to go visit him—he was just getting back in town from vacation so I agreed to go there.

Anyways…long story short…things were just different when I was there.  He wasn’t as lovey as I thought he would be….in fact it seemed like he barely wanted to be near me. I confronted him with this, and he tells me that everything he told me about how he felt was a lie.  He didn’t mean it.  He only said it because he thought it was what I wanted to hear and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

NEWS FLASH, GUYS: Do. Not. Do. This!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. And I’ll just leave it at that.

Well…I am one of the more forgiving people on the planet, so we still talk occasionally.  He got drunk about a week ago and told me he wanted to start over and try things again.  But I haven’t really heard from him since.  I guess old habits die hard.

And the second story starts like this: Pretty much the same as the last one.  Girl meets boy online.  Boy is really nice and they hit it off right away.  He immediately made plans to get together and had a really great time together.  The second time we hung out, it was even better. He talked about us being exclusive.  He was cuddly and incredibly sweet, and so wonderful to be around.  I thought that I might have finally met the guy who I could start something real with. 

Well…not so fast, kids. Fast forward to his car getting towed a week later, asking me for money to get it out, me saying no, and him not talking to me for a whole day. He apologized the next day and all was fine. Well then I was leaving to go overseas for a week, and I guess I was a little too anxious to talk to him before I left, because my messages asking to talk to him turned into him getting pissed off and blocking me.  So…here I am…still blocked and so damn confused.

Any guys who have made it this far….care to comment? Do I have terrible luck? Is it me? I literally can’t tell you how frustrating all this is.  As if things in life aren’t hard enough…then you add crappy dates and horrible actions and it can just make things so much worse.

It's not all bad though.  There are a few peaches in the mix.  I'm not sure if anything will come of any of it, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't have hope!

But for all that is bad, there is some light.  I just got home from Norway.  I was there to witness one of my favorite couples commit their lives to each other.  It was such a gorgeous ceremony and it made my heart so full to be there to witness them say their “I Dos.” I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, see some amazing sights, and really experience all the shopping Norway had to offer----because the airline lost our bags.  (I know, right?)

Here's a few pics from that trip!

Well.  Thanks for sticking around and listening to me rant about things. Each time I write, I usually try and leave things on a relatively happy note.  I’m not sure I can do that here.  All I can do is say that I’m not going to let a couple bad eggs get me down.  I’m not going to let a bad stretch define me. In fact, I texted my trainer and told her I was going to write another blog, and in true Sarah fashion, she sent me the most amazing text back.  

She said:

“I would love to read it…like I’ve told you before…it’s not just the ups or the highs that make people relate to you sis…it’s the lows and the setbacks and the breakdowns that set you up for your greatest comebacks…you are REAL. And you’re not a quitter.  You’re a fighter. People need to see what it looks like to fight even (and especially) when you’re frustrated or feel like permanently giving up or disappointed” 

There is more…but I think she sums up my mindset perfectly.  The biggest setbacks set you up for the greatest comebacks.  And my little bit of Sunday Reflections have me up to do just that.

Thanks for reading, everyone.  Your support means so much to me! You really have no idea.

Xoxo

J

90-Day Challenge

Hello, my friends! It’s been about 6 weeks since I last posted, and what an eventful 6 weeks it has been. There’s been a lot running through my head lately, so this might be a long one.  But I promise that by the end of this post, you will  be able to relate a little bit better, be a little more hopeful for me, and leave maybe just a little bit inspired! 

So let's all take a deep breath........here we go.

The most notable thing that’s happened since my last post…I am getting ready to begin week 5 of a 12-week nutrition and fitness challenge.  My trainer got this set up, and there are dozens of people in my training group participating.  We are working with a nutritionist, inputting everything into MyFitnessPal, working out as much as we can, and helping each other stay motivated along the way.

I just have to say, what an incredible opportunity this is! First of all, I am one of the more competitive people I’ve ever met.  So, I am going to do my best to be as dedicated to this process as possible so I see maximum results. (Even though it’s not a competition…let’s be honest…yes it is!) Second of all, taking such a critical look at what I’m putting in my body has made me wonder what the hell I’ve been doing to myself all these years. It was so easy to eat whatever I wanted and pay ZERO attention to the nutritional values.  I wasn’t getting bigger very fast, but I can totally see how all those drinks and foods added up to make me the size I ultimately became….regardless of whether I was working out a ton or not.

My first meeting with the nutritionist was interesting to say the least. I spent about 50% of it crying, and the other 50% taking in as much information from her as I could.  I don’t think she had any idea what she was getting herself into when I walked into her door.  I had completed almost 1 week of the challenge without any direction by her.  I was eating about 1600 calories a day, and paying no attention to my macro intake (proteins, fats, and carbs). I felt like I was eating everything in sight, and was not sure what to think when she bumped me up to 2100 calories a day (160g of protein, 200 g of carbohydrates, and 65 g of fat). I was panicking.  How on Earth was I going to eat all that? It’s going to take FOREVER to get this all right! After about a week of playing with recipes and snacks, I finally got things about where I wanted them.  I meet with her every 2 weeks to adjust and discuss issues I’m having.

**Just a quick side note.  I told several people about that meeting with Meredith.  They all asked me why I started crying.  What I think most people need to understand is that while I, very freely, talk about my body issues and struggles through this blog, saying the words out loud is very difficult for me.  If I were to try and read this blog out loud, I would burst into a big puddle of tears. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that.**  

Fast forward 2 weeks, countless workouts, and lots of diminished cravings, and I go in to meet with her again.  I was feeling better…more confident, but way nervous.  I brought the same clothes I took my first pictures in so I could (hopefully) see a difference.  We talked through some things, and then I got undressed, then redressed, and stepped in front of the white wall to take photos again. 

MAJOR DISCLAIMER ALERT:

It’s taking a lot for me to post these pictures for yall to see.  I still have so far to go, but I think it’s important to see what 2 weeks of clean eating and exercise will get you.  I think the progress is pretty amazing.  So if you’ve got any negative opinions, take your shit somewhere else!

So, here I am a week after the second picture was taken.  I am still having cravings, like a lot of them, but I am trying to keep myself on track. I’ve got 7 weeks to go until the challenge is over, and even longer before I get back to where I want to be.  But I am extremely proud of the work I’ve put in.  I’m working out with Sarah 6 days a week, plus adding extra cardio on my own.  I’m finding the athlete that’s been buried deep inside me for a long time.  She’s making her way to the surface.  And I cannot wait until she is back in full force!  

Moving on....

All that body stuff is great.  I really am proud of myself! But what I didn’t expect was the emotional toll it was going to take.  For a long time, I blamed a lot of the stuff going on in my personal life on my weight. On my low self-esteem and what comes with that.  Whenever bad stuff happened, whether it was a bad date or an anxiety attack, I blamed it on my body.  I realize how little sense that makes, but for someone overweight, it is incredibly easy to place blame on external factors.  It is way easier to do that than accept that you have real character flaws.

So what happens when you start getting your body right, and stuff still goes wrong? When you’re starting to feel more confident, but a relationship still evades you?

Well as soon as I find out, I’ll let you know.

Other than the 90-Day Challenge, the thing that’s on my mind the most is….guys! Shocking, I know.

I’ve gone on a couple dates in the last few weeks. Well, one date.  Hung out with a few, talked to a few. I’m not sure what to make of these guys to be honest.  One of them told me he really liked me but isn’t emotionally available.  That he still wants to hang out and get to know me better.  Update: we still haven’t hung out again and our conversations have been short and sparse at best.  I’ve tried, but I feel like I’m chasing someone who probably isn’t going to chase me back.  And that one-sided stuff really takes a toll on me. One guy ghosted for a few weeks, came back around, then out, and now I’m not really sure what is happening.  One isn’t from here and I’m not sure I see a time any time soon where I’ll see him.  Frustrating, right?! Haha. 

I actually had a big breakdown about it last night.  So many tears, so many irrational thoughts. There was major ‘woe-is-me’ stuff happening.  Like, why do I feel like I have to try so hard to get someone to want to spend time with me?  And I know that if I feel like I’m working that hard, they’re not worth it.  Blah blah blah.  I know. I get it. I’m trying to wean myself off the idea that if I’m not talking to someone then something is missing.  But it’s not easy.  And I’d be lying if I said that part of me really doesn’t like the idea of one of these things becoming something because I didn’t give up when I wanted to.

Anyone got any advice on how exactly to stop thinking this way?! Haha.  I’ll literally take anything you got!

Maybe part of me is still doing this challenge for the wrong reasons.  Maybe I’m not just doing this to better myself, but so people see me differently.  So I can tell these guys who didn’t work for me to hit the road? Maybe revenge body is one of the best motivations there is?

Regardless, I think I’m taking the right steps to figure all this stuff out.  I want to figure out how to love myself, and how to believe people when they compliment me.  I want to figure out the balance between respecting myself and working for something that I think could be really great.  And most of all, I want to figure out how to put all those little pieces together to make a better version of myself!

Thanks for listening to my rambles.  I hope this made sense to someone of you! My head can be a jumbled mess sometimes, and I just try my best to make sense of it all.

On to do some food prep!

Till next time….

Xoxo

J

Transformation Every Day

Holy crap!  Where has the time gone? I started this blog well over a year ago and I had the best intentions.  I wanted to have an outlet that allowed me to express my feelings without getting in my head and thinking too much about them.  But every time I tried to write, I would re-read and edit to try and make it sound better or be more impactful.  And when I really analyze that, I think it kind of has a very weird correlation to my life! I try to cut things out, make myself try and appear to be something I’m not so that it’s better received.  How screwed up is that?

But I digress….

What I really want to talk about is the photo I posted yesterday about my, never-ending, weight-loss journey! I know it’s cliché, and I know that when I started writing a year ago, that’s what I was talking about too.  But the struggle is real and I am going to keep talking about what’s going on in my life and my weight is something that continues to consume my thoughts and actions. And I guess the title of my blog is a little misleading since I've only really shown a couple shades.  There will be more. I promise.

So…lets start from the beginning.

In September I was in a really, really dark place.  I was heavier than I‘ve ever been in my life and feeling worse than I ever had. I would look at myself in the mirror and cry.  I found a damn stretch mark on the front of my belly, and that sent me into a complete tailspin.  I think there was a period of time that I literally didn’t leave my bed for like a week…..and I really wish I were exaggerating.  I was a mess! Below is a photo of me from then.  I have a hard time even looking at this picture to be honest. I'm at a wedding, I'm smiling, but you can tell that I'm far from genuinely happy.

And let me just take a second and say that I am genuinely thankful for people who continued to tell me I was beautiful during these down times.  It's not that I didn't hear you, but it was really hard for me to believe you. I also think it’s hard for people who have never struggled with eating right or exercising to understand.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard people tell me, “Just get up and do something…anything!” Like…I wish I could, yo! I wish I could wrap my mind around eating the grilled chicken and veggies instead of the pizza.  I wish I could force myself out of my bed and into the gym. I know how ridiculous this is.  I’m a smart girl.  I know what’s good and what’s bad for me.  But something in my brain just doesn’t want to hear it.

So…back to my dark place.  I really was scaring myself with the state of mind I was in.  I was fed up.  And for some reason, on a complete whim, I texted my brother and asked him about the girl who he would workout with while he lived in Knoxville.  I asked him if he thought it would be a good idea to meet her or call or and try and get her help.  At that point, it couldn’t hurt, right? So he said yes and gave me her name and so I reached out to her.  I had no idea how quickly and how incredibly my life would change when this girl joined my journey.

Sarah Van Sickle is a very unassuming girl on sight.  She has long blonde hair and a muscular build.  She’s not super intimidating on sight. But she opens her mouth and flashes her eyes and you know right away that she is a born motivator who would literally give her last breath to see you succeed.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to respond to her training style.  I do well with a male trainer getting in my face and yelling, but I wasn’t sure how I would be with her.  I think it's safe to say, and I hope she would agree, that she and I got along from the moment she bear hugged me on my first day.  Sarah started a non-profit organization, called Beauty Hunters, which is a free class anyone can come to. It's all about empowerment and running your race at your pace! It’s literally a judgment-free zone and a group of the most amazing women I have ever met. She also does group training at a gym in Knoxville.  One conversation with her and I was in.  I was in the gym the very next day.

She trains people of all genders, sizes, and fitness levels.  It was intimidating, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t overwhelmed.  I wasn’t in a gym full of meatheads hogging the free weights and squat racks.  I wasn’t getting looks from the cardio bunnies for using a treadmill that was ‘theirs.’  I was getting high-fives and cheers and more encouragement than I had gotten in a long time.  After my first workout, I left the gym in tears.  Could this finally be the answer to my fitness prayers?

Long story short, I think it is! I posted a photo on social media yesterday of my 2 month progress.  

Here it is:

And I know what you’re thinking.  September was way more than 2 months ago.  Thank you very much I know.  But it took me awhile to buy in, to be committed in the kitchen, and to love the gym again. I had days up until the beginning of December where I just had no interest in waking up early and going to work out.  And then I was embarrassed that I had missed class so I wouldn’t go again the next day.  Being so in your head can be a viscous circle…a really harmful, debilitating circle.  But eventually the doubts went away. And if they found their way back then Sarah send me a surprisingly effective message about fighting my fight and how proud she was of me.  I am now happier and healthier than I have been in a really long time.

My next steps are to continue killing it in the gym, keep making smart food choices, and making sure that I’m doing all of this for no one other than me. Let me explain that last one…

I know how much some people thrive on, and love, attention.  The last time I lost weight, the one thing that kept me motivated was the response I was getting from other people.  And because of that, when I moved to Chicago and stopped getting that positive reinforcement from people that I knew, I easily fell back into my old ways.  I went to a gym where I didn’t know anyone and was just like everyone else.  Because I didn’t have the foundation and self-confidence, it was so easy for me to slip back into bad habits. Shortly after I got there, I had gained every bit of that weight back.  So I was heavy, unhappy, embarrassed, and pretty much back at square one.

This time around, I am going to do my best to make every choice because it’s what I want.  I never want to do things because it’s what I think other people want me to do…or expect me to do.  This journey is for me.  With that being said….I just have to say that if you were an asshole to me when I wasn’t in a good place, don’t try and come celebrate me when I’m happy! I did all of this despite you…not for you!

Thank you all for your sweet words yesterday! I didn’t post that picture for the compliments, but they sure are nice to hear. Please keep lifting me up with your encouragement and love!

I love you all!

Xoxo,

J

Questions Unanswerable

Hey again my sweet friends!! Once again--yall have no idea how much the love and support means to me. It seriously warms my heart every time one of you tells me that you've read and/or love my blog! Definitely a sweet and unexpected surprise, as I never thought that many people would want to read about what goes on in my crazy brain. So, in case I haven't said it enough...thanks a million!

I want to throw out another disclaimer before you all read this specific post.  First of all, this is going to be a little lengthy so please bear with me. Second, this was the hardest one to write, by far. I’m going to try and make as much sense as I can and hopefully reach the conclusion I intend. Guess we’ll see…

Since the last time I posted, I was asked a certain question several times by a few different people.  The question was harmless enough: “What are you looking for in a man?” Sounds like it should be easy to answer, right? Well apparently not for me! I’ll admit I had been drinking…a lot…but I should be able to answer that question!  For some reason, the only response I could come up with was “I want someone who can hang and who I don’t have to babysit in a big group of people.” I mean…WHAT??? What does that even mean? Sure, that’s a nice quality, and definitely somewhere on the list, but certainly isn’t number one.

Well, after that mess of a response, I got to thinking about my past relationships—or more accurately, lack of relationships.  And most importantly, how that has lead to my current state of mind about myself—since that’s what this blog is all about after all! I wanted to pinpoint the things that have happened that have lead me to where I am now.  I need to be able to answer the question “what are you looking for…” in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

I hate to admit that men have affected how I feel about myself.  I think it’s an annoying reality that most women, if not all, suffer from. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but for a long time, and maybe even still, I based my self worth on whether I had a guy in my life.  After a lifetime of unsuccessful relationships (attempted relationships), how could I not have a poor self-image? I mean, if that’s how I place value in myself, then it’s no wonder I’ve got issues. 

So indulge me a little bit and I’ll backtrack and see if I can figure out where things went wrong.

As I mentioned in my first post, I had ‘boyfriends’ growing up.  I put that in quotes because I’m not sure that I count my 6^th grade boyfriend who I traded notes with or the boy who I sat in silence on the phone with when I was 12.  I suppose my first real boyfriend came around when I was in 7^th grade. 

Side Note:  I’m not going to name any names or share any pictures.  If any of these guys read this, they will know who they are and that’s satisfaction enough for me. 

So…here we go!

Boyfriend #1 was a freshman in high school, I was in 7^th grade, and I thought this was MAJOR! He was my first kiss—and it actually happened at one of dad’s basketball games. I will always be happy that I have that memory. It was everything I could have wanted in a first kiss.  We ‘dated’ for a few months.  We exchanged endless AOL emails and AIM chats. We saw each other at almost every subsequent USI basketball game. I thought I had hit the first real boyfriend jackpot. To be fair, I had nothing to compare it to--I didn’t know any better. Then on the night of my Bat Mitzvah, I found out that he was cheating on me.  My little Jewish girl’s heart was crushed.

Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have been as upset as I was.  But believe me when I tell you that I thought my life was o-v-e-r! Of course I found out who the girl was and started making my comparisons.  Keep in mind that this is pre-Facebook and MySpace.  Finding out who she was and what she looked like was no easy task. She was older.  She was taller.  She was, in my opinion, prettier.  I definitely wouldn’t go so far as saying that my negative self-perception started here, but it was certainly the first time it was connected to a guy. And now, looking back, I think it was just a slippery slope from then on.

After that, I could sense a clear shift in my mindset. I was untrusting and needy.  I doubted anyone who showed any interest.  I think I started to self-sabotage a little.

In truth, things only got worse in the self-esteem department.  I moved away from Indiana—where I had lived for 9 years.  I was coming into my sophomore year and I had no friends.  It was a tough bag at the school I was transferring to. Luckily I had sports and some friends that naturally came with that.  But I wanted that high school sweetheart moment.  I wanted it so badly that I allowed myself to accept way less than I deserved.  I was ok with being the second choice. As ashamed of it as I am, I was the girl that guys would go to after they broke up with their high school sweethearts.  I let myself fall victim to my own belief—that I wasn’t good enough to be someone’s first choice.  I lost some friends over it, and it set the stage for a college dating experience that was less than ideal.

I don’t really believe in regrets, but I regret letting my self-esteem issues come between a friend and me. So if that once upon a time friend is reading this—please know how sorry I am! Don’t know that I ever said it out loud.  I wasn’t really ready to face the music.

Anyways...I moved to Tennessee in October of 2005.  I’ve only had one ‘relationship’ worth discussing.

I met this guy through some family friends. We stayed friends for a long-time, as he had a girlfriend when we met.  We kept in touch for a year or so and after he was single for a while, we started hanging out. Anyone who I would describe our situation to would have said we were dating. But from his perspective, we were just friends. I probably should have just taken the hint and walked away at that point, but I was convinced he would change his tune. I wanted ‘more’ with him. We made sense. We met each other’s families.  We spent time with each other’s friends. We spent the night together several times a week (wink wink).  I even recall one time him waking up one morning and hugging me and calling me ‘his girl.’ 

I was over the moon.  I thought I found someone who was different, who I didn’t need to be self-conscious with.  Well, a few months later, he called me and told me that he needed some time.  He thought I was getting too serious and he needed to think.  I was upset, but I guess in the back of my head I knew it could happen. He had warned me that he didn’t want a relationship.  The odd thing was that he just disappeared! Didn’t return phone calls.  Didn’t answer texts.  And then he pops up a few months later with a new girlfriend. 

I was devastated. 

Let’s fast forward to 2ish years ago when I started my first weight loss journey.  I began in February and saw this guy again a few months later.  He was single again.  I was 20 lbs lighter.  I told myself it would be different because I was different.  I was happy now.  I was taking pride in myself and it showed on the outside.

Well. I’m sure you can guess what happens next. But, we spent a few months getting to know each other again.  We hung out with each other’s families.  We spent time with each other’s friends.  We went on road trips.  I shared things with him that I hadn’t shared with people before.  Come October of 2012, I got a job promotion and was moving to Chicago.  I was thrilled for my new opportunity. We were talking about the move one night, and he looked at me, kissed me, and told me he wished I wasn’t leaving.  And there I went.  Back over the moon.

I was thin.

I was successful.

I was confident.

I was happy.

So, I moved and started my new life in Chicago.  Never expected us to continue doing what we were doing, but I also didn’t expect to come home and find that he had moved in with a girl.  It was like a storyline out of a soap opera or something.  I had a few choice words for him and I haven’t spoken to him since.  That was 17 months ago.

And now, here I am. Trying to put together the pieces of my past and figure out how I got here.  How I got to be so insecure. How I probably wouldn’t recognize a healthy relationship if it smacked me in the face.  I think I’ve been so let down in the past that I sabotage any potential there could be.  I blame it on my weight.  I blame it on my schedule.  I tell myself that even if I were to see what’s out there, it wouldn’t matter. I mean, I even got dumped by a guy I met online, and we hadn't even met yet!

That. Stops. Now.

There’s that old adage that says, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.” And while I completely believe that to be true now, up until a short while ago, it would have more appropriately said, “I can’t love myself until someone loves me.” I’m not sure where the change occurred, or if just taking a few days to type this blog out is what did it.  But I have had crappy relationships with other people because I’ve had a crappy relationship with myself.  As I’ve begun to repair that relationship, I start seeing flashes of the amazing person I know is in me.  I start seeing the catch everyone tells me I am.  The body will follow—and people will finally learn to appreciate me for who I am and not as the mask I’ve been wearing. As I continue down this road, I know more positives will come—from more outlets than just men!

But—to round out this long-winded, novel-length blog, I think I know a better answer to the question I was asked this weekend. I am looking for my best friend.  I am looking for a person who doesn’t complete me, but who makes a better completed me! I have to be complete on my own.  I don’t want my other half, because then I’m only half of a person.  What I want is someone who sees me for me, all my faults included, and loves me anyway! And can that person hang in a big group of people and not have to be babysat?? You bet your ass!

Till next time, y’all!

Xoxo

J

One step at a time...

First and foremost, I have to just say a huge THANK YOU!! I thank you all for so many things this week.  Thank you for reading my first post.  Thank you for the incredible responses I got.  Thank you for making me feel special and loved.  And thank you for your words of encouragement and faith. Journeys of this kind cannot be traveled alone, so knowing I have you all in my corner is the best motivation I could ask for.

I heard from former teachers, friends who I haven't talked to in years, friends who I talked to yesterday, and some of our family friends.  I never intended on this blog to inspire people.  I just wanted to write about my struggles and hold myself accountable.  But if I could ever help someone else by sharing my experience, then this has accomplished far more than I ever intended.  So, if you are reading this and want to confide in someone who knows exactly how you feel, I am open ears! Feel free to message me or email me or text me (if you have my number) and we can conquer this stuff together.

So once again...

Now....let me fill you in on what has changed in the last week.

I think the hardest part of getting healthy, in general, is the delayed satisfaction and results.  I can say all day that I want to lose x amount pounds, but the time between making that decision and seeing the hard work pay off is agonizing.  A lot of times, and from most people who talk about dieting, we are so consumed with instant gratification that if we don't see a pound or two off the scale right away, we decide it's not working. So--I am going to take a new approach.  I want to look at every minor detail of my life and find progress in those things first.  For example, after making my declaration last week, I went to the gym, had an amazing workout, and then had an extremely productive day.  That night, I laid my head on my pillow at a reasonable hour and fell asleep without taking any sleeping aids.  No melatonin, no Benadryl, no Nyquil.   It may not seem that significant, but for someone who has had chronic sleeping issues, it's huge!

The way I look at it, if I can find joy in small hurdles first, then when I clear the big hurdles, I'll be even more happy. If I can give any advice to someone who is looking to conquer their weight issues--or any issues--it would be that.  One step at a time.  One day you may take one step.  One day you may take 10.  But make sure you celebrate the one step as much as you celebrate the 10 because they are both steps in the right direction.

Something else that I've seen some change in is my ability to take a compliment.  I don't know if it's a trait of most women, but I am the WORST compliment taker of all time.  I'm not saying I'm completely cured of being a negative nancy, but I am starting to find enough value in myself to believe people when they give me compliments about certain things. I think a lot of times, people with poor self images have a hard time taking compliments because they can't imagine how anyone would see them in a way that's different than the way they see themselves. If I could name any major flaw of mine, this would be the first thing that comes to mind.  But something really strange happened this past weekend and I didn't even notice it happening.

First, let me give you an idea of the people who I was with.  While I consider most or all of these people my friends, I consider them my brothers friends first.  I don't know if it's fair to separate groups of friends as mine or my brothers--but it's just easier that way! I guess that's not all that crazy.  But I digress.....

One of the weddings we went to on Saturday brought all of his friends together from all over.  I have always been terribly self conscious around most of them for some reason--especially when they are all together.  The biggest reason of which is that they are all extremely beautiful people. Inside and out. They are all very fit and take excellent care of themselves.  They are naturally gorgeous and just super fun to hang out with.  I hate to use the word jealous, but there has always been an aspect of jealousy there.  I thought because of how I look, I just didn't fit in (that sounds familiar, no?).  Please bear in mind that they never treated like I don't belong.  They always welcome me with open arms.  I have been invited to almost every wedding and every major event.  By that standard, they are some of my closest friends.  But--somewhere in the back of my mind, there is always an annoying voice telling me that I don't belong.

BUT! And I feel the need to shout that one.  But--that voice in the back of my mind was much quieter this weekend.  Anytime anyone would pay me a compliment, it wasn't immediately screaming at me telling me that they were just being polite.  When one of my brother's friends told him he thought I was awesome, I believed him! When one of the girls came up to me and told me I looked really pretty, I believed her.  It was really strange for me to not immediately go into my scary dark place! I took that as one of my big hurdles.  Not that I have cleared the hurdle completely, but I definitely jumped high enough.  Heres a few pics from this weekend....

Me and my big (younger) brother

Finally got to meet CC at the wedding!

The guys!

I found these new feelings a little strange since I don't technically look any different.  I haven't lost enough weight to notice it on my body.  But there was just something so empowering about taking control of my attitude and my outlook.  I think it read on my face and the way I carry myself.  Now--again--I am not completely 'cured' of my negative outlook about myself.  I skipped out on the beach this week because the idea of being in a bathing suit would send me straight to the scary dark place.  But it's a start! And a start is my first step.

Lastly, I just want to share my horoscope for today with you.  Sometimes I read these things and think they are complete bull.  But, this message couldn't be more appropriate for the way I'm feeling right now.

You can see happiness surrounding you--there are people smiling,

holding hands, enjoying the sunshine.  You can see success all

around you too.  There are individuals who can easily buy what they want

and live the lifestyle they desire.  But what about you, Scorpio? 

Are you feeling somewhat envious right now? Maybe you are thinking

that you will never be able to attain what those other people have.

But that's not so. In the weeks ahead you will get a 

wonderful taste of what's possible.

Until next time....

xoxo

J

First is the worst....

And this being my first post, I'm hoping it only gets better after this. Whoa! This feels strange.  I was never a big journal writer, so having a running record of my thoughts written down is going to be weird.  I also have a giant disclaimer for you all:  I. Do. Not. Write. For. A. Living.  I would never claim to. So, I'm sure I will use words incorrectly, spell things poorly, and put commas where they aren't needed.  And to that I say, get over it! This is more for me than for anyone else, so I could care less than to worry about my completely flawed writing.  So you don't worry either! Ok? Thanks. Bye!

I guess I should probably give a little background on me for those of you who don't know. My full name is Jacquelyn Elizabeth Pearl.  I was born on November 7 in Palo Alto, California.  My parents are Bruce Pearl (yes that guy) and Kim Shrigley.  I have 2 brothers and a sister.  I am who I am because I get to call those five amazing people my family.

My gorgeous brothers and sister!

I am a daddy's girl and proud of it!

I love my mama so much!

I have moved around my whole life.  Since I was born, I have lived in California (Palo Alto), Iowa (Iowa City), Indiana (Evansville), Wisconsin (Milwaukee and Madison), Tennessee (Knoxville), and Illinois (Chicago). Moving on to new things and new people feels natural for me. The main reason we moved so much was for my dad's job. Except the the Chicago move--that was all me--and we'll get to that in another post.

I am the daughter of a DI college basketball coach. I know I am biased, but my dad is the best man that I know. As most of you will remember, he was in a bit of trouble a few years ago with the NCAA.  I really hate talking about it.  I get upset and say mean things. So we won't go there I guess. Anyways...he was on a 3 year suspension and never expected to coach again. Then, on March 18th, he was offered the amazing opportunity to coach again at Auburn University! #WarEagle #bestbirthdaypresentever  I will never be able to thank Auburn enough for getting my daddy back on the sidelines.  It was a tough three years for our entire family.  We endured endless criticism, unwanted public attention, and had some 'friends' show their true colors and magically disappear from our lives. It was an eye opening experience for all of us, but I cannot wait for this new adventure and have been stocking up on the 'correct' color orange! Don't worry Knoxville--I graduated from UT and will always be a Vol Fan...until basketball season rolls around.  ;-)

As I mentioned previously, I want to give you all a look into what's happening underneath the facade. So enough with the stuff you already know...

(This is where this gets really difficult for me)

I have been battling low self esteem and weight issues since I was a little girl.  I know this is very common for young women, so I never really thought much of it. When I was younger, I always felt bigger than the other girls my age. I was never bullied.  I had a great group of friends. I had boyfriends. But I felt like I was different--big.  Looking back at pictures, I couldn't believe I ever looked at myself and thought I was fat.  I played 4 sports.  I was tall and athletic.  I had muscles!!! Unfortunately, that mentality followed me through grade school, into high school, through college, and is stuck with me now.  

Then one day, about 2 and a half years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what was looking back at me.  It was a strange feeling because I finally seen a reflection of what I was feeling.  It was like I had taken off my own mask. It was then that I realized the 'typical' girl problems had morphed into something debilitating.  It was keeping me from living my life.  

I was sad.  

I was lonely.  

I didn't recognize myself.

I decided to make a change.  I called The Rush, got a trainer, cleaned out my fridge, and changed my life.  I started working out 5x a week, I ate super healthy, and my attitude about myself changed.  I didn't look at myself as a victim of my mindset anymore.  I felt free! I felt like a weight had been lifted--literally! Losing 35+ lbs will do that to a girl. But then life happened and I fell.

Fast forward to May 20, 2014. Go on passed a promotion, a move, a year of having no support system in Chicago, a huge change in my career again, a move back to Knoxville, and a lot of pizza. I was back where I started.  I was back to the attitude I had about myself all those years ago.  But--again--I woke up, removed the mask, and saw myself in a different light.  And this time, I am not looking at myself like a helpless little girl who cannot affect her circumstances.  I am taking control of my life...again. I am changing my life...again. This will not be without it's challenges.  It won't be without set backs. But, with the support and encouragement of all of you, and taking my feelings out in this blog instead of with food, I will be back to myself in no time.  I've done it once. Why not again?

I read a quote the other day that stuck with me. It said "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."  So.  I'm going to stop re-reading chapters of my life and start using them as a foundation to continue writing my story.  I hope you guys will stick around and see what happens!

Until next time...

xoxo

J